Technological Troubles
by Arlath's Star
Summary: Despite working at Torchwood Gwen has never really got the hang of all the technological stuff - something that frequently gives the rest of the team something to laugh about.
1. The Printer

**This was born from a moment of shared confusion between Gwen and me in 'Adrift', when we both failed to recognise a GPS system for what it was, and from several years' worth of my own technological mishaps. I decided that if any member of the team shared this problem it would be Gwen, so here is some light Gwen-bashing (or Beth-bashing, from my point of view) where I can download all my more stupid mistakes. **

**I like to dedicate things, so this story is dedicated to all the Toshs in my life, who help straighten out the technological chaos I leave behind me. **

The Printer

Gwen glared angrily at the printer and its unhelpful message. All she had been trying to do was print out a few more sheets of personal info on one of the people related to their current case – part of her drive to make Torchwood more 'people-friendly' – only to be thwarted by this simple piece of technology.

_'Please insert more paper in tray two.'_

Well, she'd found more paper after asking what-was-was-his-name -- Ianto. There was nothing wrong with not knowing where the spare paper was kept. It was only her second week, after all. But as for tray two…

The Torchwood printer seemed a lot more complex than her home printer, and she'd already managed to break that one several times by feeding in the paper wrong so that it became stuck inside. She remembered having to spend half an hour fishing scraps of chewed-up paper out with tweezers so that Rhys wouldn't find out. She had managed to open up the front of this printer but couldn't fit the paper in properly – no matter how she tried it, it wouldn't fit. She tried just poking it in and then closing up the front panel, in the hope that it would slide in. It didn't.

She sighed quietly to herself and weighed up the alternatives. She could try and shove it in any old where, and break the printer, or she could admit defeat, lose her pride and go and ask for help. Imagining Owen's face when he discovered that the 'new girl' had broken the printer, she opted for the latter.

"Err, Ianto?"

Ianto looked up from the pile of records he was checking. Surely she couldn't need more paper already? However, he answered in his politest voice; "What's the matter?"

"Errm, I'm having a few problems with the printer…" Gwen led Ianto over to the printer whilst continuing to explain. "I know it sounds stupid, but I can't work out how to load it, and I've broken my home one a few times, so... sorry."

Ianto carefully kept even a flicker of amusement from crossing his face as Gwen gestured helplessly at the printer and its pile of paper. Wordlessly, he bent over and slid open the paper draw at the bottom of the printer, just underneath the bit Gwen had opened.

Gwen mentally kicked herself several times as she watched him casually loading the tray and sliding it back in again, knowing full well that he thought she wasn't capable of doing that either.

"Thanks." she mumbled, blushing furiously. "Err… I never got the hang of technology… need to take an IT course…"

Ianto nodded and walked away, leaving Gwen stood dumbly by the printer, wishing furiously that he wouldn't tell anyone.

***

Shortly afterwards Ianto noticed a steep decline in the amount of paper being used and also in the number of wall-to-wall collages of people's lives. And he guessed it wasn't just because Gwen was trying to be eco-friendly.

**I did that in the library yesterday lunchtime. Now the librarian thinks I'm an idiot. And I am, from a technological point of view. **

**Please, please review and I'll post another chapter. But only if you send nice reviews. If you embarrass me too much I won't be too keen on publishing another of my idiotic mistakes online for all the world to see – you have been warned! **


	2. Typing Troubles

**Thanks to all my reviewers: gernumblies, Lilith Skywalker, Rietta, milady dragon, marajade963, L.A.H.H. Xbakilayo, darkdranzer, and goldycat. And an even huger thank you for anyone who ever wished me luck for my interviews back when I was still posting 'Killer'. I got in! *Dances with glee* This technically means I should be studying to get the rades right now, not writing. But I'll ignore this. **

**On the subject of computer problems the original draft of this is saved on my laptop as 'Technological Troubles – comp's being silly again' (comp being short for 'computer' here), because it kept insisting that I save it as a new document. No idea why. Probably just because it was annoying. And I just accidentally deleted half the first paragraph of this, which I'll now have to rewrite. **

**The etymology of 'computer' is from the Latin 'putare' – to think. This is the root of my belief that computers are in some way sentient, and will do whatever they can to annoy you. Especially keyboards. See above. And below.**

Typing issues

Several weeks later the amusement over Gwen's inability to reload printers and Owen's bad jokes about the incident were beginning to dry up. (Ianto apparently hadn't told anyone, but they seemed to have found out all the same. That, Gwen had discovered, was the problem of working in a place with so many cameras. Especially when you didn't know how to delete footage)

It was one of those long drawn out periods of rift-inactivity, where everyone was sat around waiting for the storm to arrive. They all knew there was going to be a storm, but they just didn't know when, and since Torchwood was, as Jack put it, "Always ready", that meant Jack had to find tasks to keep them occupied. In Gwen's case this was typing up old Torchwood paperwork from the archives – one of those never-ending, pointless tasks that people like Ianto insist is important.

Gwen's typing was improving with practice, but she still had one small issue that needed sorting.

"Tosh?"

"Hmm?"

"I went back to type in something I'd missed and it's overwriting everything."

"Press 'insert'" Tosh informed her, and went back to her own project.

A few minutes later Gwen was confronted by the same problem. But try as she might she could not remember which key was the one to press, though it seemed stupid to interrupt Tosh again so soon. So she tried experimenting instead, pressing all the keys it might have been.

Tosh overheard a small squeak of annoyance. "What's wrong?"

"The page disappeared!"

"What did you press?"

"I don't know. Oh! It's come back."

Tosh shook her head. "What were you trying to do?

"Err, find the button to stop it overwriting what I've already written."

"Haven't you already asked me that?"

"Yes."

"It's the 'insert' button. Near the top right. Found it?"

Her embarrassed co-worker nodded, and set about typing again.

***

"Tosh?"

"It's 'insert', Gwen."

"I just can't remember!"

***

"Oh, this bloody key is driving me mad!"

"Insert."

"Thanks, Tosh."

***

"Err…"

Irritated at being disturbed so often Tosh tore off a post-it note, scrawled 'INSERT' on it and slammed it onto the desk next to Gwen's hand.

***

Tosh was interrupted again, this time by a small, annoyed squeaking sound. Gwen was bouncing up and down on her seat in frustration.

"I wrote it on the post-it note, Gwen!"

"No, it's not that!" Gwen ran her fingers through her hair. "I pressed ctrl-alt-delete twice because it froze and now all my work's gone!"

Tosh banged her head on the desk. It was tempting to do the same to Gwen's, but she managed to resist.

**L.A.H.H. should know full well what that chapter was about, even if she never got as far as writing 'Insert' down for me. I do know it now, the same way I know that pressing ctrl-alt-delete twice will restart the computer (and also causing you to lose any work you're been stupid enough not to save), but it took an awfully long time to get there. I just could never remember it, for some reason. Hopefully all the interruptions were worth this chapter. Yes? **


	3. The Photocopier

**Whoops, I forgot for chapters 1 & 2: I'm not RTD. Got that? Good. You can probably deduce from this that no, I don't own Torchwood either. And you can probably deduce from **_**that**_** that I'm sick of having to spell all this out every time I post a new story. **

**Anyway, thanks to Lilith Skywalker, milady dragon, SqutternutBosh, , specialfrancine, L.A.H.H, Dowisetrepla and . **

**This is chapter 3. With any luck there should be at least another four. I have done a lot of silly things with technology in my life. **

The Photocopier

Gwen, Jack was rapidly discovering, had more talents than he realised. For example, alongside Welsh and English she also spoke a strange private language of her own, mostly used to communicate with the Hub's computer systems. The rest of the team were slowly learning the basics of this complex language, but Jack could make a fairly sound guess that the last high-pitched squeak he had heard translated as 'Why won't this bloody machine work?'

He strolled over to where she was stood next to the offending machine.

"What appears to be the problem?"

"I asked it to photocopy something, and all it did was give me a blank sheet!"

Jack examined the piece of paper the irate Gwen was waving around. She was right; it was blank.

"Has it still got ink?"

"Yes" replied Gwen, then added proudly. "I checked."

Jack investigated the problem further and quickly discovered what was wrong. Trying not to grin he pretended to continue to examine the photocopier.

"I'll go and find the others. It's a fairly complex problem, but I'm sure one of them will know how to fix it."

Gwen stayed rooted to the spot, suddenly and horribly aware that she had just demonstrated her amazing lack of computer skills again. She racked her brains to try and think of what she could have possibly done that had caused Jack so much amusement so that she could put it right before he could return with the others.

But Jack returned too soon, the other three in tow, Ianto and Tosh looking slightly puzzled and Owen smirking. Gwen shrivelled up inside as Jack gestured to the photocopier.

"It's alright; I don't need it in a hurry…"

"No, no Gwen, we can't have a broken photocopier." Jack approached the machine and explained further. "It came up with a blank sheet when she tried to use it. Aha!" He winked at the others. "I think I've spotted the problem!"

Slowly and carefully, exaggerating every move, he turned over the original piece of paper and lay it face down on the scanner section so that the blank side was on top. He pressed the print button and handed Gwen the photocopy she had been looking for.

"Thank you, Jack." said Gwen stiffly, trying to avoid the others' gazes. Owen, she noticed, looked as though Christmas had come early.

"My pleasure." Jack replied with a grin.

As Owen opened his mouth to make the first in what would be a long string of 'witty' comments, Gwen vowed to write out the message by hand next time she needed a copy of something.

**I haven't actually done this one, though I'm sure it's only a matter of time. I do have a series of 'computer' squeaks though. When something goes wrong with the computer I like to make sure that the whole house knows. The rest of the house generally doesn't want to know, but I tell them anyway. **

**I do feel that I'm being a bit too mean to Gwen in this (even though no one seems to mind except her), so at some point I'll probably write something similar for each of the others. Actually, some of it's already on the go, only I need your help with a certain question. That's right! Your author needs YOU! So… 'What kind of tea/coffee do they all drink?' (I know Jack (industrial strength coffee) but that's it. I don't care if you know it from the series or if it's just your personal intuition.) This may seem like a very trivial question, but please don't overlook it. A whole story depends on this. So please help! **


	4. PIN Code

**Huge thank you's again to all my reviewers. You are most kind and most helpful. That is: Rietta, Ravenja70, Lilith Skywalker, L.A.H.H., milady dragon, Jooles34, goldycat, , specialfrancine and ! I send imaginary cookies to you all!**

**Yes, I've done this one. **

Phone PIN

"Tosh?"

"Yes Gwen?"

"Do you know anything about phones?"

"I suppose so. Why?"

"I've got a new one." Tosh's expression remained blank, so Gwen added on: "I've broken it. Look." She tossed the mobile phone to Tosh.

"I don't suppose you dropped it on the floor?" Tosh commented dryly. She ignored Gwen's scathing look and started examining the phone. It wasn't a half-bad one. "Do you have a PIN?" she asked as she switched it on.

"Sort of."

Tosh gave Gwen a questioning look.

"That's the problem, you see." Gwen explained. "It used to be my Mum's phone – she gave it to me because she found it too high-tech -" Tosh wondered briefly to herself whether this was something that ran in families. "- and when I got it I remembered all the stuff Jack's always saying about security and decided to get a PIN on it. But when I tried to type one in it kept refusing to accept it, and eventually it came up with this…"

"…PUK code?"

"Yeah, this PUK code it's wanting, but I don't know what it is and the whole phone's locked up and I've been through the entire manual and it doesn't say what it is there either." Gwen paused for breath. "What have I done to it?"

"It sounds like it already had a PIN number, so when you thought it was asking you for a new one it was actually asking you for the old one."

"But it didn't say!" Gwen protested. "How am I supposed to know if it doesn't say? All it said was 'PIN'!"

"What's wrong?" asked Owen, in the tone of voice that indicated that he wanted to know more details in order to tease someone properly. He was hoping that someone was Gwen. Jack wasn't around, so they could probably get a _really_ big argument going.

"Oh, it's just a small problem, Owen." Tosh said brightly. "I'm sure we can sort it out by ourselves."

Owen hung around anyway, fairly certain that something interesting would happen – more interesting the report Jack had left him, at any rate. He quickly decided that he had made the right choice.

"Is it your mum's SIM card?"

"Is that the little piece of plastic in the back of the phone?"

"Yes."

"It is then."

"Do you really not know which bit is the SIM card?"

"I like to check these things, Owen! They use so many stupid little acronyms. PIN, PUK, SIM…"

"You didn't actually know, did you?"

"Have you tried it with a different SIM card?" Tosh asked patiently.

"Yeah, my old one, but the phone crashed when we tried to put it in. And now we've lost it."

"You lost it." Owen repeated sarcastically. "Why am I not surprised?"

"No, Rhys lost it." Gwen wasn't prepared to say how they had lost it though – in retrospect cooking dinner at the same time as trying to fix her phone might not have been a good idea. They still weren't sure where the tiny information chip had gone. Rhys had a horrible feeling that it had ended up in the casserole.

"So technology isn't his forte either."

"Thank you, Owen." snapped the person whose forte _was _technology and wasn't coping with her team-mates' bickering. She turned to Gwen. "Have you brought the manual?"

"Yes." said Gwen meekly.

"And there was me thinking you'd have lost it." Owen commented as Tosh wandered away to make a phone call somewhere quiet.

"Shut up, Owen."

"Do you do this every time you get a new phone?"

"No."

"When's the last time you got a new phone?" Owen persisted.

"Just shut up, Owen."

"Have you ever got a new phone?"

"Just shut up and go away, Owen Harper!"

"Here," said Tosh, handing the phone over to Gwen as she reappeared. "I rang them up and asked for it. I've left the phone on the PIN page, so you can insert a new one. It might be a good idea if you wrote down what number you used too, because I don't really want to have to go through this again." Tosh rubbed her eyes with the back of her hand as Gwen wandered back to her desk.

Owen sighed and headed back to his work too, the fun over. But at least he now had another entry in his list of references he could really annoy Gwen with. And to that respect he spent the next half hour sending her emails asking her what her new PIN was.

**Stupid phone. It never told me that it already had a PIN! And the only reference the manual had was 'you can choose you own PIN code to improve you phone's security'. **

**This is why I very rarely get a new phone. **

**And I do still have the old SIM card. Somewhere. **

**Oh, and on the note of phones, has anyone seen the "Cybermen call centre" video on Youtube? If you haven't, watch it!**


	5. Conversations with the Computer

Conversations with the computer

"Shut up."

"Shut up."

"Oh, hurry up for goodness sake!"

"Look you stupid thing, I didn't mean you to do that!"

"Don't delete it! Why did you delete it?"

"I didn't ask for that!"

"Why won't you let me look at the bloody webpage? There's nothing wrong with it!"

"Just open it!"

"Why can't you just _work_?"

Jack looked over Gwen's shoulder helpfully. "I don't think the Hub's systems respond to verbal commands. I can ask Tosh to put a program in place if you want though."

"Yeah, Gwen, the computer can't talk back." Owen pointed out bitterly. "So why can't you shut up and give us all a break?"

"It does respond eventually. And sometimes it comes up with messages."

"If it was really listening," Ianto pondered aloud. "It would come up with messages like 'Please be patient. I am trying my best. Would you decease from shouting at me for the moment?'"

Everyone looked at Ianto oddly. He shrugged. "Well it would, wouldn't it?"

"Depends if the computer program was written by you or by Owen." Jack decided.

"I could write a program like that, you know." Tosh said thoughtfully. "It wouldn't be too hard, and I'm sure I've got a voice command system somewhere."

"Alright." said Jack, quite liking the idea. It might save everyone's sanity a little. "You try that and in the meantime Gwen can just type her comments in."

For a while the room was almost peaceful, apart from the occasional sound of frustrated bouts of typing. However, it wasn't long before this once again turned back into vocalised complaints.

"You're going to love this." Owen said as he grinned horribly over Tosh's shoulder.

"What?"

"Gwen's broken the keyboard."

After nearly a week of recording all of Gwen's favourite addresses to the computer the rest of the team (well, mostly Tosh, though the others helped write the responses) had rigged the Hub's system to respond to certain phrases. Not with an audio response though – they'd had enough of that. No, it just came up with a little message box containing some witty phrase of Jack or Ianto's, or an insult from Owen. (They'd had to sneak those in, as Tosh had been adamant that it was 'going too far'.)

Now the conversation went something like:

"Shut up."

"_I am a computer. I cannot speak."_

"Shut up!"

"_No, you shut up you noisy bitch! (I think that's going a bit too far, Owen.)(you want to say it too!)"_

"Oh, hurry up for goodness sake!"

"_Patience is a virtue."_

"Look you stupid thing, I didn't mean you to do that!"

"_I am a simple computer. I cannot read your mind. Please state clearly what you wish me to do."_

"Don't delete it! Why did you delete it?"

"_Because you asked me to."_

"I didn't ask for that!"

"_Actually, you did. Learn to use a mouse, Gwen!"_

"Why won't you let me look at the bloody webpage? There's nothing wrong with it!"

"_This webpage is currently unavailable due to the high volume of traffic caused by O. Harper's attempts to download indecent images off the net. Sorry for any inconvenience caused."_

"Just open it!"

"_Not until you say 'please'."_

"Why can't you just _work_?"

"_Take ten deep breaths. In. Out. In. Out. In. Out. Please do not punch the computer. (I'm warning you Gwen – it __will__ be taken out of your salary!) If you still feel excessively violent please go and talk to Dr Harper about anger management. On second thoughts, practically anyone else in the building might be a better choice." _

**If someone devised a system like this for the school computers I would be cured. Alternatively, if someone could smash all the school computers into little pieces, but an entire new set which aren't at least ten years out of date, complete with working mice and keyboards, reconnect the internet so that it actually works, get some sets of laptops that don't run out of battery after five minutes (and it actually **_**is**_** five minutes), replace the school network with one that doesn't block all the decent internet sites, and buy colour printers, I would also be cured. Sheep will probably have developed a binary system by the time the last one happens. Then there'll be sheep systems like this: "Baa!" **_**"Baah."**_


	6. The DVD player

**Here's another stupid thing I've done, although this one's a bit more forgivable. Still embarassing though.**

DVDs

"So, what are we watching?" Gwen asked lazily as she sank back into the depths of Tosh's huge leather sofa. The girls had decided to snatch an evening together without having to put up with the rest of the team. This had quickly been expanded to 'without any men around' so the logical thing to do was to spend the evening at Tosh's.

"Oh, I don't know." Tosh replied from the kitchen. "How about 'Alien'."

"Not really, thanks."

"'E.T.'?"

"No again. How about I look through your collection for something without aliens?"

"Go ahead!" Tosh laughed. "They're in the cupboard on the right."

With some effort, Gwen managed to free herself from the sofa and go and investigate Tosh's stash of DVDs.

"You've got a lot of romances."

"Err, yeah. What do you want to drink? I've got red wine."

"That's fine." Gwen called back, continuing to search through the titles. She wasn't really in the mood for romcom. "Ooh!"

"What is it?"

"Michael McIntyre! I didn't even know this DVD existed!"

"So you like him then?"

"Yeah! He's brilliant! Especially when he goes on about the Welsh."

"He's my favourite comedian." Tosh confessed.

The two of them laughed together again, before Tosh continued. "I think I've got the Cardiff one on there. The DVD control is in the drawer if you want to put it on."

Gwen turned on the screen and found the disk quickly enough, but when she found the controls they didn't seem to be very control-like. There were only a few buttons on the small disk-shaped handset, and none of them looked particularly useful. She inserted the disk and tried pressing a few of the buttons experimentally, the only outcome of this being that the BBC news channel flashed up. To the backdrop of the latest tidings of doom and gloom from around the world she carefully examined the controls again, finding nothing more helpful that the 'volume down' button.

"Are you okay?" asked Tosh, entering.

Gwen threw her the controls. "I can't find the 'on' button. Yes, I know it's stupid."

Tosh slid the top panel of the controls open, revealing two more sets of buttons.

"Well, that was obvious." said Gwen sarcastically. "Come on - you knew I wouldn't find that."

Tosh smiled quietly to herself, and placing their drinks down on the table she quickly turned on the DVD player and set the episode they wanted playing. "Am I forgiven?"

"Only if you don't tell Owen."

"I won't" Tosh promised.

That, of course, set off a long conversation about their team mates – mostly Owen – and that and the excellent line-up of comedians soon made them forget the incident anyway, although Gwen did briefly think that a comedy series based on all her problems with technology might be quite amusing.

**I hope it is. It means I've got an excuse for when I make my next stupid mistake. I t was for 'research purposes'.**


	7. Living in the age of electricity

**Thanks to my reviewers (yet again!): milady dragon, L.A.H.H, Lilith Skywalker, specialfrancine, Marian Locksley, Ravenja70 and Azzi Turner.**

**Oh, and I listened to one of the radio plays and Gwen does actually talk to the computer!**

Living in the age of electricity…

Gwen pushed open the flat door, happy that she had been allowed to leave early for once but annoyed that, predictably, this meant that Rhys was working late. Still, she realised, this meant that she could order his Christmas present now, whilst he was out. Ianto had already caught her trying to do this on the Torchwood network, and had politely suggested that she might have reports to write up. She didn't, so he gave her one. That was Ianto all over.

She headed straight for the computer, knowing that she only had an hour at most and hoping that the computer would work for her for once. It didn't: when she flicked the switch it refused to even turn on. Dimly, she remembered how Rhys had been trying to set up some sort of wireless modem router internet thing, and how he'd spent ages fiddling with the wiring. He must have knocked something so that the computer wouldn't start anymore. Well, there was no point in trying to fix it – she'd only make it worse. Rhys could sort it later, and if they still had problems she could probably persuade Tosh to come in. Until then she could just do her internet shopping on the laptop she'd bought with her last pay check.

The others would probably laugh at the thought of her having her own laptop, but actually Gwen found that she could work it relatively easily, apart from a few problems with the cursor jumping around when she was typing, so that things were always ending up in the wrong places. (Later she would discover the button that turned the mouse pad off, albeit accidentally.) And her trusty laptop worked for her now, switching on beautifully and connecting to the internet with only one retyped password.

Gwen had pretty much exhausted the laptop battery the last time she'd been on, watching late night videos on Youtube, so she had to plug the charger in now. It was only when she got to the website that she wanted that she realised that the '19% left' had now dropped to '11%'. Puzzled, she fiddled with the cabling a bit, and switched the power on and off at the socket. Nothing happened, and the laptop still refused to recharge. So she tried turning the laptop off, but it then refused to restart. Swearing, Gwen realised that it had run out of battery. And since the charger appeared to be broken that meant that she was right back where she had started.

She peered back under the computer desk hopefully, in case it's refusal to turn on was due to some really obvious fault. Tosh had done a survey in the Hub once, and found that around 80% of the technical problems that were reported to her were due to someone failing to turn on the appliance properly, in particular not checking to see if it was plugged in. A further survey had found that around 80% of said problems were reported by Gwen, so she was by now well aware of the problems caused by what Tosh called 'lack of electricity' and Owen called 'lack of common sense'.

But as far as she could see nothing seemed to be wrong, apart from the fact that nothing was working. Exasperated, she squinted down at the jumble of wires, sighed, and got up to turn the light on.

"Oh!"

Suddenly the reason lit up in Gwen's mind in exactly the same way the light bulb hadn't. There was a power-cut!

"Hello, love!" Rhys' voice came floating through from the kitchen, followed by the sound of a light switch clicking.

"We've got a power-cut." Gwen called back helpfully, not mentioning how long it had taken her to work it out.

"Well, I'd never have guessed that." Rhys came into the room behind her and chuckled at the sight of the mess of cabling by the computer where Gwen had tried to fathom out what had gone wrong. "So, what did you do?"

"It wasn't my fault!"

"Of course it wasn't." Her husband replied placatingly. "So what are we going to do?"

"Err… find the torches?"

***

They did find the torches in the end, and Gwen taught Rhys how to go round corners with a torch Torchwood style – i.e. knowing that there's probably something nasty hiding round them. They had just prepared the candle-lit dinner (the cold remains of yesterday's meal and salad - not very romantic; but it's hard with the microwave out of action) when the lights came back on. They decided to have the candle-lit dinner anyway, just for the sake of it, although they did warm the food up. And then they played candle-lit scrabble, and, later on, murder in the dark. And Gwen managed to order her present at work the next day, whilst Ianto was out stocking up on coffee, so no one ever found out that she'd spent an entire hour trying to turn a computer on during a power-cut.

**Probably because she was sensible enough not to tell anyone. Unlike me. **

**Ummm… Yes, ok, I confess: I did that. And I laughed at myself for a full ten minutes afterwards. It was quite stupid. Ok, maybe it was **_**very**_** stupid. **

**On another point 'going round corners with a torch Torchwood style' can definitely go on the 'you know you're obsessed with Torchwood when…' list. (I've done that too) **


	8. Distractions at work

**Ok, I know I said there was going to be only one more but… I thought of another one! So there's at least one more after this. **

**So, another huge thank you list: Lilith Skywalker, milady dragon, Ravenja70, Marian Locksley, specialfrancine, L.A.H.H. and Azzi Turner. (Sorry to the people whose names I have to mangle to write that - for some reason if it's got a . in the middle of it it refuses to show up on the fanfiction page.) **

**This is, in part, a kind of apology to one particular person reading this who will probably be able to identify with a certain character in this chapter. I'm sure she will understand completely what I am getting at.**

Distractions at work

Inside the Hub there is a bomb waiting to go off. Unless anyone does anything to defuse it within a very short space of time there will very likely be serious implications for everyone involved.

Translation: Owen is bored.

"Hi, Tosh."

Tosh looked up from the report she was writing to see Owen leaning casually against her desk in an attitude which meant 'I can't think of anything else to do so I'm going to come and chat with you.' Normally, Tosh doesn't mind chatting with Owen, so long as he's in a good mood, but right now, with a long and complex report that needs writing up as soon as possible so that Jack can send a copy off to UNIT, she really wishes he could wait a bit.

"Hi, Owen."

"What's that?"

Tosh lifted her head distractedly to see what Owen was talking about. "Oh, that's just Gwen's laptop. She brought it in for me to look at because it had a virus." She tried to concentrate on the screen again as Owen wandered over to take a closer look. She had just about managed to remember how far she had got, and what she was going to write next, when Owen asked a question again.

"What do you think her password is?"

"No idea."

"It could be 'Rhys' I suppose, but even she wouldn't be that stupid." Owen checked to see if there was a hint, but there wasn't. "I bet it's something really obvious."

"Mmmhmm."

There was a clacking sound and a small whoop from Owen. Tosh turned away from her work again, unable to stop herself from asking; "What is it?"

"'Password'. She _so_ better not have work stuff on here or Jack is going to kill her."

"Yeah." Tosh frowned at the keyboard for a moment, trying to remember what she had been about to write. "How come you haven't got any work to do?"

"I've done it all. I was doing an autopsy when Jack and Ianto left to catch that weevil at the station, and when I finished they weren't around to give me any more." Owen stretched back in his chair and contemplated Gwen's laptop. "There isn't much on here at all." He sounded slightly disappointed. "Just some photos and a load of receipts from internet shops."

Tosh nodded, feeling rather envious of Owen's work-free situation. She managed to get in another two lines of typing before Owen interrupted again.

"What do you think of that?"

"Very nice." Tosh replied vaguely, giving the altered photos a cursory glance. Now what was that other thing Jack had wanted her to include?

"I think I'll leave her a message." Owen announced.

"Mmm." Tosh resisted the urge to scream with frustration as Owen proceeded to read out the message as he slowly typed it, completely ruining all her hopes of concentration.

"'Dear Gwen

I really think you need to change your password. The one you had before was far too obvious. That's why I took the liberty of changing it for you. Well done if you got this far. I changed some of the file names too.

Tell Jack if you like, but I'll just say I was deleting all the work stuff you had on here. (That's called 'blackmail', if you didn't know)

I've copied some of your photos too. If you show Jack the blackmail bit I'll post them online. Maybe email them to Rhys too.'" Owen paused. "Tosh?"

"What!"

"How do you end a letter? 'Yours sincerely' or 'yours faithfully'?"

Tosh shrugged, despite the fact that she did know. She had just written out the same sentence wrong three times.

Owen laboriously typed in: "yours ever-annoyingly, Doctor Owen Harper." and pressed save. "What shall I do n– Shit!"

"What?"

"It ran out of battery."

"Good."

"Tosh?"

"What, Owen!"

"Am I annoying you?"

"Owen, I need to get this finished by the time Jack gets back, and every time you say something I lose my train of thought!"

"That's a weird saying."

"What is?"

"Train of thought."

"Oh. Right." Tosh gazed at her screen in frustration. She had written less that a paragraph since Owen had arrived. Beside her, obviously trying to make some sort of effort not to distract her, Owen was sat picking at the laptop's keyboard. The little pinging sounds this kept making were very, very annoying.

"What do you call those little things on keyboards?"

Tosh looked at Owen to see if he had gone mental. "You mean keys?"

"Oh. Yeah. It would make sense to call them that, wouldn't it? Whoops. Got to go."

Tosh breathed a sigh of relief as Owen scurried out of sight.

"Hiya, Tosh!"

_No! No, no, no, no, no! _She was never, ever going to get it finished, not with Gwen here.

"Well, I called in on that man Jack asked me to - David Turner - and it turns out he wasn't anywhere near the river that night, so that means we'll have to find another lead." Gwen sniffed. "Bit of a wasted visit really. He couldn't tell me anything useful at all. And his tea tasted like weevil piss. Not that I've tried drinking that." She glanced across at Tosh's screen. "Are you working on that report for UNIT? Only Jack said he wanted it by tonight."

"I know." Tosh replied through gritted teeth.

"Did you manage to sort out that virus thing? Sorry I keep disturbing you."

Glad that Gwen finally seemed to have picked up on something, Tosh waved her hand in the direction of the laptop.

Gwen wandered over to her desk and picked the laptop up to put it back in its case. It made a strange rattling sound as she picked it up. Intrigued, she lifted up the lid.

The entire set of keys slid off and cascaded onto the floor.

"OWEN!"

**A library laptop once did that to me. It was annoying, because it was one of the few there that actually turn on. **

"**What do you call those things on keyboards?" and "That's a strange thing to say" are both things I've said today. My poor Tosh puts up with it well, despite the fact that I'm probably as annoying as Owen and Gwen put together. **


	9. The Printer 2

**According to my friend I am not quite as annoying as both Gwen and Owen put together, but apparently I am as annoying as Gwen, who she considers to be the more irritating of the two. I haven't decided whether or not to take this as a compliment or not yet. (Any help here would be appreciated) So, thanks to all the people who didn't leave such cryptic reviews: Lilith Skywalker, L.A.H.H., gernumblies, milady dragon, Marian Locksley, specialfrancine, Jooles34 and Ravenja70.**

**May you never be disturbed whilst trying to concentrate.**

The Printer 2

"Gwen!"

"What, Owen?"

"Fetch this from the printer for me, will you?"

Gwen was halfway across the room before she paused. "Magic word, Owen."

"Abracadabra."

Gwen sighed as she resumed her journey. "Sometimes I think you never got past the age of six."

"Still older than you then. Thanks." Owen took the printed sheets off her. "Will you go pick this one up too?"

"Remind me again why I have to collect everything you print?"

"Because you're not doing anything. But mostly because I'm lazy." Owen stretched himself out in his chair. "Hurry up with that, will you?"

"Would you like it hole-punching too?"

Owen ignored the edge to Gwen's voice. "That would be brilliant."

Gwen dutifully picked up the hole-punch from where it was sat on Owen's desk. "So I'm your personal secretary now, am I?"

"Jack's got one."

"Ianto's not a secretary, Owen."

"What is he then?"

"He's, he's a…" Gwen failed to find a title to sum up Ianto's job, and instead said "He's a lot more bloody use than you are."

Owen rolled his eyes in a way that would have made Ianto proud. "Ianto is 'weevil-hunting'. Jack is 'weevil-hunting'. I, on the other hand, am working. Sadly." Owen pressed the print button again. "Fetch the print-out, slave."

"At least Ianto's got manners!" Gwen shot back over her shoulder, but went back to the printer all the same. "What is all this stuff anyway?"

"Research."

"Very helpful."

"I wouldn't expect you to understand it, Gwen." Owen glanced down at the piles of paper littering his desk smugly. He took the latest set of papers off Gwen and plonked them down on the only bit of space still left.

"Have you ever heard of saving trees?"

"No. Printer!"

Gwen trudged back. "We're out of paper."

"There's more in the box underneath. Feel like you can reload it on your own?"

Gwen couldn't see Owen, but she knew he was grinning. "Of course I can reload it on my own!"

Owen called back anyway. "Second drawer down!"

Gwen clenched her fists in frustration and slammed the sheets of paper into the printer tray. She wished Owen didn't have to bring that incident up_ every _time the printer ran out of paper. Pressing down the now slightly crumpled paper with her hand she closed the drawer and clicked on the 'resume' button.

There was an awful groaning, choking sound that seemed to go on for almost a minute, followed by Gwen swearing quietly and Owen crowing delightedly.

"You broke it again! You broke it again! Tosh is going to _kill_ you!"

***

"The weevil search party returns! Not that it was much of a party – drunk weevils aren't really that much fun." Jack stood back to let Ianto past with one of their new residents. "You're looking cheerful, Owen!"

"Gwen broke the printer!"

There is a brief silence in the room as Jack takes this in. "What? Again? Is she cursed, or something?"

***

"So, let me get this straight." Ianto looked down at Gwen with a slightly amused twist to his mouth. "You thought it would be a good idea to scrunch up the paper a bit before you put it in the printer?"

Gwen nodded sheepishly and then added, defensively, "Owen was being annoying."

"Now that's an interesting excuse." Jack said thoughtfully. "You would expect that it would break more often."

They all looked down at the wreckage of the printer. Ianto had opened up the front panel, but it was hard to see where the wheels of printer began and where the tattered scraps of paper ended.

"Alright, Gwen." Jack began in a jovial manner. "You have two options. The first one involves you fishing out every single scrap of paper."

Gwen looked down at the printer mournfully. It looked like it had choked on a bucket load of confetti. "What's the other option?"

"You're buying us another printer."

**That wasn't the last chapter, by the way. My one remaining chapter somehow metamorphosed into three remaining chapters (including this one). I hope no one minds. **

**Oh, and more apologies are due, I suppose. I don't mind collecting your print-outs, L.A.H.H. It's not as if I have anything better to do. And I'm sorry about your computer. Owen told me to. (And that's going to wind you up all weekend – oh yes!) **

**Sorry to everyone else for all that!**


	10. Retribution

**Another huge thank you to my reviewers (Lilith Skywalker, Ravenja70, Marian Locksley, gernumblies, milady dragon, Jooles34, specialfrancine, L.A.H.H. and Azzi Turner.) and especially big thankyous to anyone who's ever added me to their favourites list! You make me feel loved! And apologies to anyone I sent a weird review reply too – I was trying to avoid writing an essay. (Don't ask why I chose to distract myself in that way because I have no idea.) Please don't let it put you off reviewing again! **

**And sorry this took so long too - the system was playing up. **

Retribution

"I'm bored." Owen announced.

"And?" Tosh asked, leaning back in her chair.

"I'm bored." Owen repeated. "Nothing interesting is happening. The Rift is asleep, the weevils have gone on holiday, my paperwork has been completed and Jack and Ianto are busy." Owen's hands sketched quotation marks in the air around the word 'busy'.

"So?" Tosh and Gwen asked simultaneously.

"Let's do something."

"What?" Gwen asked. She would have suggested something long ago, but had been unable to think of anything.

Owen paused. "Watch a DVD."

"We haven't got any." Tosh replied, turning back to her computer.

"Yes we have. There's all those ones of Suzie's Jack kept for some random reason."

"What did she have?" Gwen asked, sounding interested. Anything was better than staring idly at a blank screen.

"Probably the Saw movies." said Tosh bitterly. "I never thought of her as the type to curl up in front of a TV screen anyway."

But Owen had gone off to try and find this mysterious cache of DVDs. The speed with which he returned clutching a bag prompted Tosh and Gwen to suspect that the 'Suzie' bit was merely an excuse – something Tosh confirmed when she spotted a DVD that had only been released in the past few months in the pile, well after Suzie had died. But she didn't mention it, wanting a break almost as much as the other two.

"I've never heard of some of these." said Gwen, examining them carefully. "Which one are we watching?"

Owen shrugged. "Your choice."

"That one looks interesting." said Tosh, bending over and picking it up. "'A Beautiful Mind'. What's it about?"

"Um…" Owen screwed up his forehead, trying to remember. "A famous mathematician who had schizophrenia."

Tosh looked intrigued by this, and Gwen nodded her consent to the choice. Owen was quite surprised – he'd been expecting that there would be some form of argument about what they watched. He was almost tempted to start one, but decided not to.

"I'll go get some drinks and snacks." Tosh announced. "Why don't you two go and get it set up in the conference room?"

Gwen and Owen headed upstairs, Gwen carrying the DVD. But when they got there Owen took it off her.

"Let's let me do it, shall we? Don't want you breaking the computer. You'd probably put it in upside down."

Gwen made a rude gesture at Owen and found herself a seat. She made herself comfortable as he loaded the disk and it started to play.

"I think that's the commentary."

"Yeah, I know that, Gwen. Just be patient. I'll find the film in a sec."

Gwen was patient, for a while. "We've listened to this bit twice."

"Thank you, Cooper. Just shut up, will you? Unless you think _you_ can do better."

Gwen shifted in her chair for a bit as the same two bits of commentary kept playing over and over again as Owen tried to start the film.

"Owen?"

"Shut up!"

"Have you got disc two in? You know, the one they put the extra features on?"

"Of course I haven't!"

The start of the commentary started for a fifth time and Owen surreptitiously checked the case. There was a slight clattering sound as a disc was taken out and the one in the DVD drive was swapped over.

Gwen silently punched the air with her fist.

"SHUT UP, Cooper!"

**I chose 'A Beautiful Mind' (which, coincidentally, I do ****not**** own the copyrights to) because that was the film I did that with in one of my lessons. I was so proud to be able to give technological advice for once, instead of receive it! **

**I probably could have thought of a more appropriate film if I'd tried, but to be honest the only reason I know how to operate a DVD player is because of Torchwood. I haven't actually watched many films. I spend most of my free time writing instead. **


	11. Finding a cure

**One more! As always, thanks to milady dragon, gernumblies, Lilith Skywalker, specialfrancine, Marian Locksley, L.A.H.H., Ravenja70 and Azzi Turner! Thank you so much for all your support – you've made me write extra chapters again! (The last three chapters, that is – I'm afraid there isn't any more for now)**

**This one should be rated W for weird… Just warning you now. **

Finding a cure

With a flicker, the lights in the Hub go out. The cog door rolls shut. The constant humming and whirring of the computer systems stops, leaving only the drip-drip-drip of the water tower.

In the sudden silence, a single voice can be heard.

"All I did was press save!"

***

"There's something wrong with her. There must be something wrong with her." Owen was pacing up and down in the boardroom. It has taken them nearly two hours to restore the Hub to normal.

"Maybe there's something in her subconscious." Ianto suggested. "She's not aware she's doing it. But perhaps there's been something planted there that's deliberately trying to destroy our systems."

"Oh, come on Ianto!" Jack too is striding up and down the boardroom. "Don't you think that's just a bit too farfetched?"

"This must be the third time she's broken something this week, Jack!"

Tosh nods. "Yesterday she accidentally knocked the power switch for my computer. Whilst it was finalising my new program. If something like this happens in an emergency…"

Owen ummed in agreement, not mentioning that it was actually he who had kicked the switch whilst Tosh had been away.

Jack looked down at where Gwen was despondently tidying her desk. "Well, what are we supposed to do about it? How would we tell?"

Everyone is suddenly tempted to suggest the thought-reading machine, but knows that this is not a suggestion that will be taken well, even if the method _has_ worked in the past.

"She's normally ok with most of the kit we use." Tosh suggested hesitantly.

Ianto nodded. "I think she only does it with human technology. Or maybe we all just misuse alien tech so much that we don't notice. And I swear she's been getting worse recently."

There is another silence while everyone thinks. The theory is beginning to sound plausible. After all, it wouldn't be the strangest thing they've seen.

"We could hypnotise her." Owen suggested, then glared round defensively as they all looked at him. "Yeah, yeah, I know it's lame."

Jack was the first to speak. "I like it."

***

"There is no _bloody_ way I am letting you hypnotise me, Jack Harkness!"

"Oh, come on, Gwen. It won't hurt you."

"Honestly Gwen." Tosh added reassuringly. "I've looked it all up. We just want to check, that's all."

"We wouldn't tell you to do anything stupid." Owen promised. His tone was sincere but he had a weird glint in his eye.

"Nothing like dancing on tables or kissing Myfanwy or anything." Ianto elaborated. He and Owen exchanged a look. Unfortunately, his reassurance did not have the desired effect.

"No!"

"I knew she wouldn't let us." said Owen disgustedly. "This is a matter of national security, you know."

"Since when was _hypnotism_ anything to do with national defence?"

"Ianto thinks you might have something in your mind that keeps affecting all our systems." Jack explained helpfully.

"Well in that case it's Ianto's head that needs checking, not mine!"

"Gwen!"

"Why can't you just ring Rhys? He could tell you if I was doing it before I got here!"

The rest of the team paused for a moment. It was actually quite a good idea. Depressingly so in fact – there was no real fun in just ringing up Rhys.

"You keep her here and I'll get our friend Rhys on the phone." Jack decided.

***

"_What, she crashed a computer? I'm not surprised. She blew a bulb up properly once. Properly properly – all she did was turn it on and a few minutes later the filament burned a hole in the glass."_

"Yeah, but did she do it _before_ she started working here?"

"How should I know? She still hasn't told me how long she's been working for you for!"

As Jack gave Rhys a date everyone craned in closer to hear what he would say.

"_Oh, right. Well in that case she's been doing it for ages then. When we first got our computer there was a time when all she'd do was touch it and it'd go beserk. Turned out she'd got all the passwords muddled up or something. And I still have to work the DVD recorder for her half the time." _

Despite the fact that Rhys was obviously all too happy to continue listing all the various instances when technology had turned against Gwen, Jack thanked him and hung up.

"I told you." said Gwen shortly. "It's natural, that's all. Loads of people have it. Technology just doesn't like us."

"I still think hypnotism would have been much more fun." Owen muttered.

"We should probably do it anyway." Ianto pointed out. "You know: just to make sure."

"There could be a virus for it." Tosh said thoughtfully.

"Were you listening? I said it was_ normal_!"

Jack surveyed his team. "It's probably our duty to make sure she's safe. All in favour?"

As four hands rise straight up in the air, Gwen shouts; "I'll trigger a bloody lockdown again! I'll press save! I will!"

On second thoughts, locking herself in with them was probably not the best idea.

**I've blown bulbs up. And crashed computers. And I never even try recording things. And currently my computer is overrun with security adverts for reasons I can't quite work out, but that probably has something to do with trying to read a friend's story.**

**Anyway, as I said, this **_**is**_** the last chapter for now, but the way I'm going I wouldn't be surprised if there were more at some point. However, I should shortly (i.e. within a week) start posting a brand new story about the team visiting London, along with all the stupid things they manage to get up to whilst down there. **

**Thank you so much for reading! I love you all and send you many, many boxes of imaginary cookies! **


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